Presence

Presence – an ongoing struggle with self, and with mistaken priorities of responsibility, obligation and fear that keep me out of the present moment.

Why can I not stay present?

While my children play, the dishes must be cleaned up, the garden watered and the dog hair swept up. While Paul reads to the children the laundry must be folded. While the children do their homework another email must be answered.

I spend my time cleaning for the future, preparing for another day, trying to connect with long distance friends, and forget (or ignore?) two of those I am closest to.

Funny thing, my true self, my essence, is aware of the awareness I have that I continue a habit keeping me from the present… yet I continue… I have a strong ego, a stubborn one – but is a stubborn ego what keeps me from the present?

They seem so insignificant, the activities I do… even the children are so focused on the present, they do not hear me when I ask them to clean their room, brush their teeth or pick up their clothes. Perhaps it is my stubborn need to control my environment …what is this life all about anyways? Cleanliness? Tidiness? What happened to play, laugh, enjoy? My children get it – the insignificance of those activities…

During my meditation last night, it occurred to me that I hadn’t seen my “new relationship self” in quite some years. I told Paul I’d like to spent time with her again. My “new relationship self” (NRS) seemed to find laughter in the small things. The present was joyful, the present was worth paying attention to because the future didn’t matter. NRS ignored the future because I knew it would work itself out, especially if she paid attention to the future.

NRS, I assured Paul, had nothing to do with starting a new relationship (at least in the present moment). It had everything to do with remaining present.

I found NRS while camping in July. She didn’t worry about the future. She focused on visiting with family, walking on the beach, celebrating togetherness (and a reasonable but not overly focused amount of cooking/cleaning, made easier because the workload was shared).

I must let my “new relationship self” visit more often – I know her. She is welcome in my life…if my ego will let her.